On Mandela's death

The recent death of Mandela has affected me more than I expected, and from talking to others, this is a shared experience.

While I am obviously sad at the death of an amazing human being, it's made me think a lot about my place in South Africa. I have always dismissed the idea of any other country becoming my home, and feel out of place in other countries. Unfortunately that hasn't led me to feel at home in South Africa. At times I feel like a foreigner here, but at the same time, like I have something that falls in between a duty and a desire to be here. This feeling has led me to not live fully in place during my time overseas, and contributed to the ending of one of my most significant relationships.

I am not entirely sure what this has to with Mandela's death, all I know is, as I lay in bed crying at the news, I was crying for myself as much as for the event. Mandela represented an ability to get the work done that needs to be done in South Africa (and of course the world). That he should die at a time when there is still so much to be done, and no clear leaders to continue his work contributed to my unsettled feelings over the last days.

It feels like we have lost one of our most inspiring, strong and good allies. It makes me realise how much there is to do, and worry about my own ability to do the work that is needed. In South Africa, it makes me realise how much easier life can be in other countries, where I am not faced by my privilege and otherness (real or perceived) everyday, and don't wrestle with my place in the world as strongly. It brings in to focus the fact that my place in the world will not easily allow me to feel at peace wherever I am.

I have linked my own life so strongly with the work for environmental justice, and as a result have inextricably linked the narratives of the struggle for environmental justice and the struggle for freedom from Apartheid. How can I question whether my parents did enough to bring down Apartheid ideology, when I live a life that so clearly shores up and contributes to the environmentally destructive day to day routine of civilisation?

So while the news channels run 24/7 coverage of the unfolding of the death of a great man, I sit with a lap full of questions and unease. I am interested to see where both lead my country and myself.